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| Sooo......I really dont know what I'm feeling right now.
Spiritual life: Im like spiritually at a stand-still. Im so confused because God continues to speak to me daily, showing me things and telling me things and for that I am eternally grateful. Im starting to get an undertstanding on the things and the people in my life. But on the other side, Im not getting anywhere with myself. Im not getting the breakthrough that I need for me. When Im in my room, or around campus, I want it, Im constantly asking God for it. Yet, when Im at church, when God's spirit is moving and hitting people, I can't focus. This spirit comes over me and I get an attitude about being there. All of a sudden, I dont wanna be there, I dont wanna go to the alter, I just wanna sit down. And I dont understand why. Maybe it's because Im extremely shy in front of people. I dont want anybody to laugh at me or look at me crazy. Or maybe it's my own personal inner demons keeping me from getting my breakthrough. I see so much in myself, so much that God has placed in me, but I'm so scared to let it come out. Why? Because, i dont know how my people friends will react to it. I know, I know, you shouldn't worry about what anyone says or thinks. But deep down, we all have some of those fears, just with different situations. So how do I get over it? How do I go higher? Who do I talk to?
School life: Im so afraid of what these grades are gonna look like. Tomorrow is FAME conferences and Im scared. What if my grades are bad? What will Dr. P say? I dont wanna dissapoint her, I want her to be proud of me. Im really trying, but I know I have my days where I feel like saying F*** class, F*** fame, F*** school. Also, I love my friends, but Im not sure what kind of influence some of them have on me. Some of them just arent on the same spiritual level Im trying to be on, and I dont think I need to be around them, but I dont wanna let me friends go. I wanna take them higher with me.
Love life: A mess. A mess. A mess. I liked this guy, but now that I see what he's really about, I'm hurt. I thought I had found a good one. Then there's HIM. My feelings for him will never change, but everyday I see more and more about him that I dont know if I can deal with on that level. None of that matters though. At this point in life, I feel like I dont even deserve him. I know I should speak things into effect but I really dont see us getting together. I dont think he wants to be with me anymore. He knows me now. He knows my problem. He knows more than anyone on this earth knows about me. But there's still some things that he doesnt know about me. He doesnt know the depth of the calling God has placed on my life. He doesnt know how bad I need that breakthrough. He doesnt know how much I love him. He doesnt even believe me when I tell him that I love him. And that hurts, but what else can I do? I've done everything to the best of my ability to show him that I really love him. He's the reason that my feelings for other guys dont last long. They are just there to pass the time. Or I'll end up comparing them to him and then they can just leave cuz no one adds up to him.
Mental life: OMG i feel like Im losing. Something inside is eatting me up and it causes me to have mood swings, some days Im happy but then I think about all my situations and get sad. It's way too many thoughts going on inside my head, I can barely focus on what I need to be doing (studying and praying). Somebody please help me!!!! Ahhh!! | | |
| Wooooooooooow. I havent been on here in ages. I dont even really feel like writing. I'm just bored out of my mind. Other than boredom, I am feeling a lot of things. Unappreciated, lonely, sad, upset, frustrated, rejected, things like that. It's a long story as to why. One that I dont really feel like telling. Oh wow. Time to go do something productive with my time.
Holla | | |
| I don't know about tomorrow,
I just live from day to day.
I don't borrow from it's sunshine,
For it's skies may turn to gray.
I don't worry o'er the future,
For I know what Jesus said,
And today I'll walk beside Him,
For He knows what is ahead.
Many things about tomorrow,
I don't seem to understand;
But I know Who holds tomorrow,
And I know Who holds my hand.
2 of my friends, from 2 different places, lost their mothers on yesterday. It's devasating to hear both of them call me, 1 last night and 1 this morning, telling me what happened. Plus my aunt is in the hospital. I'm so confused right now, just pray for me, yall Im going through. | | |
| AND I AM SO FRICKIN BORED!!!!!!! OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!!! I'M ABOUT TO GO CRAZY!!!!!!!!! GRRR | | |
| I know it's been a while. Sorry about that. Just been going through a lot lately. Let's start with the simple, less important things. I had a project due for Ms. Stephens on monday, but I haven't presented yet. I really haven't felt like doing much or ANYTHING this week. I have had a CONSTANT headache since Sunday. I seriously think I need to go take a stress test, I've noticed some other weird things have been happening, personal things going on with my body, that almost no doubt comes from stress. Besides that, I'm tired all the time, I feel like crying all the time, just been struggling with life. I think all my little problems piled on top of each other, then when a big problem came I just exploded.
Im not gonna say what the big problem(s) is (are) but just know its crazy. Yes, there MIGHT be more than 1 problem but most of my close friends only know about 1. I haven't told anyone about the other ones, except for one person. But everything that has been going on in my life hit me really hard over the past few days. I broke down quite a few times, 3 of those times at school. That irritated me becuz I hate to cry in front of people, especially when I know that I'm not gonna tell them what's going on, and they just keep asking. It gets irritating VERY quickly.
I noticed that I don't have the life I used to have. Some of that is good, but some of it isn't. I'm losing the glue in a lot of my friendships, we aren't as close as we used to be. I have lost some friendships altogether. There are just certain people that I can't talk to anymore. Some grew apart, some had a big fall out, some just a mix of a bunch of stuff. But I realize that in your lifetime you will only have a handfull of REAL friends. Someone told me this week "Real friendships withstand all arguments, fights, and obstacles. If your friendship can't endure the troubles of life, it isn't real" That really hit home, in more ways than they even knew. It made me analyze a lot of things. I have friends that are a part of things that I simply DO NOT STAND FOR. I still love them, I'm still here for them, but I don't stand for some things and they need to know. If they can't accept that, then I will love them from a distance. Man, I am really going through, I'm getting ready to start crying again so I'm gonna stop now.
On a positive note, thanksgiving is next week. Lots of family time, love, hopefully no drama, and of course lots of food. possible shopping on friday, no night school wednesday or thursday, just beautiful. I'm going upstairs to lay down need, I need to think. Holla back | | |
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